On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
