i don't like sucking hair
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
