Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
