Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Your penis caused this!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
