Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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