update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
sarcasm needs its own font
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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