My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
