You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
