I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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