All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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