When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
