So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
