y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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