i was born a porn star she said
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
