I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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