Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
