Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
be right there i have to get my cape
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
