theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
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