If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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