I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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