i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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