rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
