Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in