My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.