Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
