atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
