Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
