I met the friendliest cop last night
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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