i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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