im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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