kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
