i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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