Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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