She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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