She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Are we still banned from the library?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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