im about as happy as oj after his trial
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
