I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize