"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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