Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I think your dad took our porno
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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