so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize