dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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