i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
