I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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