I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
