I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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