im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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