well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
