guys are only as good as the porn they watch
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
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i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
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Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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