she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
