You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My dick has a subreddit
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
