are you still at the devil's house?
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
