I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
