I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
