i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
