I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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