and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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