What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
