new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
