Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
