First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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