there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
