I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
