Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
